At Dawn

At the crack of darkness it's when anxiety gets bigger and more devious. Throughout the day I'm distracted, too many things going on at once that keep my mind busy, but as soon as the sun goes down and I'm relaxed in the comfort of my bed late at night is when it starts creeping. I think of him and what we used to be. I wait to see him make a move in social media just to know what he's up to. I can't help it, my mind starts to run wild with the thought of  "us". And yet there is no "us", there is only me; I have to start thinking of me first and the fact that we are no longer "one". I keep looking at my phone to see if there are any missed calls or texts. I keep doing that over and over, and yet I haven't learned my lesson. No, of course he will not reach out. Now all I can do is let the night go by as fast as it can. I can fall asleep thinking of him and wake up in the morning with the same thought of him. Needless to say  that tonight's lesson is certainly to be patient. I need to be patient with myself and know that this too shall pass; only for a couple more sleepless nights would I have this lingering feeling of needing him. I am learning to endure pain, to give in and let the tears go freely. It's okay to cry, and feel what I'm feeling, I own my emotions. I have the right to feel what I'm feeling and no one can tell me otherwise. I also have the right to be angry, to become upset and forgive myself. Yes, forgive myself- lesson number two. Something that I don't do often. I made mistakes and I learned from them, now it's time to forgive and let GO. It may take a couple more nights of nostalgia and some anxiety in the mix, but eventually all the anger and the blaming will subdue. All there is to do now is reflect on what happened and promise myself that it will not happen again. 

Let it go. Take a deep breath. Reflect. Write it out. Whatever it takes to ease the pain of heart brake I will attempt to try. At least I stopped looking at my phone for the last 20 minutes. It's such a disease, very much like an addiction. Remember lesson number one? Patience. I can close my eyes and try to fall asleep. I can dream about tomorrow and what tomorrow will bring, but I can't seem to let go of the feeling of "what happened to us?" There is always this going back and forth thought that I cannot seem let go, I need to stop asking Why. And then it starts all over again. Another night creeping in; nostalgia winning the battle again. And my phone right there next to me tempting and staring at me. And so I wonder how long does this last? The grieving period after a break up. I'm no expert in this subject, remember I'm only in my 20's and I have given myself permission to fail and stumble. This is the time to screw up 101 different times! Therefore I don't worry too much about this transition in my life, the pain is temporary. I'm discovering my path and the things that are truly important to me. I am designing the life I want and evaluating my goals and values in life. Other than feeling anxiety for the future I also feel very excited that my life is doing a full 360 degree turn. I am happy that I had the strength to say NO to him and to stop completely and once and for all the emotionally abusive relationship that we had. I am proud of myself for putting my foot down and letting him know that he has no longer a place in my heart. 

And for all of us going through this transition, remember to be patient and to always ask yourself How and What- What to do to move forward and How to do it. Stop asking Why, we'll drive ourselves crazy by asking "why is this happening to me?" There is always a reason for everything. We just have to be strong enough to realize when it's time to move forward. 

I Sought Out to Design My Life

The Beginning 

I come to realize that I have a lot to work on. I have a business that needs to be taken care of, as of now it's kinda stuck in plateau. I don't have a great relationship with my mother, but is not that horrible either. I wish it was better. I have no relationship with my father, hence the belief of having "daddy issues", more to come on this subject. Lastly a very messy, emotionally charged personal life with the man I believe I'm in love with.

Where do I start?

Well first and foremost, I realize that I need to work on certain things in me for change to start happening. Starting with this emotionally abusive relationship I'm going through right now. Abusive in away that I put myself through the pain because I'm familiar with it. I have a certain level of tolerance about this abuse/pain that whatever is going on between me and my partner is not enough for me to end it. I know. Poor me, but that's the truth. We think we deserve the abuse and therefore stay in abusive relationships. Want to know what else I realized? I won't end it until I truly have had enough of it, and because he hasn't abused me more than I'm accustomed to that's enough reason to not leave. So here goes for breaking that pattern. I am more than consciously aware of this and it's time to change it and do something drastic about it. Truth is I want to find someone that I can be proud to be with, someone I can love like there is no love out there. I want someone I can spend a whole weekend in bed loving each other until our stomachs begin to growl and we realize it's time to get up and grab a bite to eat. I want to be with someone that has the same aspirations and goals. I want a loving husband and beautiful children. I want. I want! Before I get all of this I must first work on me and love me. The truth is I haven't loved myself very much lately. I'll tell you why: there's anger, frustration and a lot of anxiety inside me. Until I can forgive myself and stop blaming myself for my failures I won't go out and look for that ideal boyfriend that I have in mind. First let me work on my "daddy issues" that until recently I ignored and didn't think it would affect my relationships as much as it has. I love my father. Every memory I have of him is happy, bright, and gay. My first love, my father, the first disappointment and also my first heart break. It has been a little over 12 years since he left. A 12 year breakup and I'm still grieving. Perhaps that says a lot about my later relationships. Do I seek the attention of men, and validation? I never thought this would be my case; but thats the magic of becoming aware. 

Becoming aware that your issues lies deep within you is a powerful tool in which you can use immediately to change the course of your life. As I became aware of the patterns that I used to follow, here I am writing a note to make it official. It's time for things to change and it all starts with me, and developing self awareness in the little things that don't seem obvious to me. For everyone else, perhaps, I never would've thought that I "enjoyed" the abuse just because I'm familiar with the feeling. I'm putting an end to this, or at least I'm trying, trust me I'm trying. I'm weak in my knees, and lost in love. Most friends say that I'm in love with the idea of love. Sure, I am in love with falling in love. Who wouldn't be? It's a magical feeling. I can't see myself single for too long because I start to miss that feeling.  That is another issue that I need to work on. I don't fully leave one relationship just to start another one. It's like reading a book half way and picking up another one, which by the way I also do that all the time. So I will conclude this chapter and start another one anew. No more sitting, waiting, wishing, as Jack Johnson would put it; and hoping that things will get better, or that he will change and become a better lover. Or that one day, hoping that he will change his mind about me and ask me to be his girlfriend, while in his mind I'm not his type. I get it, now I do. I'm not his type. I may be his fantasy girl, the type of girl he would cheat on his future girlfriend with. The type of girl that is hot enough for a hot summer sex night, but not girlfriend material. I'm here to tell you that I am girlfriend material, I'm wife material, and I'm mother material. I'm everything you ever wanted in a woman. If you can't see that now, you will later; but later will be too late. By then I will be way out of your league. Karma works in mysterious ways ;)

I'm still in my path of self discovery. I am a 23 year old running my own business, and sometimes I have no clue of what I'm doing and where I'm going. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do but I wish I had more maturity and experience to take what I have created and take it to the next level. I often hear people talk about the 20 year olds that don't know what they want in life and once you reach your 30's you've got it almost figured out. Here is the thing, I know what I want. I can see my future self doing things and attaining things, but the process on which to attain those things seem too far and out of my reach; that's where I get stuck. I often get petrified and scared about the future and think to myself How can I invite someone into my heart and into my life when everything seems to be a mess? It's time to clean house; ironically thats exactly what I do for a living. It's time to create the life that I want with the people that matter the most. It's time to divorce some friends and get rid of the people that don't serve me well, and say goodbye to the old and invite the new. As far as my career path, I have to do some reflection on what I'm going do about my business, sell it or keep it? I get too bored too easily. For a couple months now I've been thinking of changing career paths and doing something completely different. Though I don't want to lose the income I have with my cleaning business, I do feel it's time to seek out something else. Maybe a job? I've never been employed! I have always been self employed and I love it. I think it's time to work for someone else for a while because it might teach me a lesson or two. I will give myself 2 more months and then seek out a 9-5 job. If it helps me grow as an individual why not? Right? 

The last thing on my mind is my relationship with my old self. My mother. I have said to myself so many times before that I will not be like my mother and make the mistakes she's made; and that's exactly what happened. I'm a younger version of her. This is what happens when you put your thoughts out into the universe whether positive or negative, it comes back to you. So next time I want something I'll make sure it's positive and beneficial to me. I'm sure that the reason why my relationship with my mother is not stable is because of my choices in life. They are not bad choices or poor choices, they are just not the choices she would've chosen for me. I often feel like I have to prove to her that I am successful and that my decision to quit school was the best decision; but why should I? I believe that no one in this world can ever tell you what to do and what to become. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I am successful at what I do, and I love what I do. As far as my relationship with my mother goes, all I can do is understand her and respect her, even if we don't see eye to eye. Every day I wish to become closer to her and every day that will come to pass I will make that effort. Here's to happier days! 

Here's to designing the life that I want. Here's to becoming the woman I want to be, to creating the relationships I want, the job I want, and the life I want. Here is to you and the life you want for yourself. Envision it and write out, say it out loud and watch the universe work its magic. This is all for now. Until next time. Ciao.