At Dawn

At the crack of darkness it's when anxiety gets bigger and more devious. Throughout the day I'm distracted, too many things going on at once that keep my mind busy, but as soon as the sun goes down and I'm relaxed in the comfort of my bed late at night is when it starts creeping. I think of him and what we used to be. I wait to see him make a move in social media just to know what he's up to. I can't help it, my mind starts to run wild with the thought of  "us". And yet there is no "us", there is only me; I have to start thinking of me first and the fact that we are no longer "one". I keep looking at my phone to see if there are any missed calls or texts. I keep doing that over and over, and yet I haven't learned my lesson. No, of course he will not reach out. Now all I can do is let the night go by as fast as it can. I can fall asleep thinking of him and wake up in the morning with the same thought of him. Needless to say  that tonight's lesson is certainly to be patient. I need to be patient with myself and know that this too shall pass; only for a couple more sleepless nights would I have this lingering feeling of needing him. I am learning to endure pain, to give in and let the tears go freely. It's okay to cry, and feel what I'm feeling, I own my emotions. I have the right to feel what I'm feeling and no one can tell me otherwise. I also have the right to be angry, to become upset and forgive myself. Yes, forgive myself- lesson number two. Something that I don't do often. I made mistakes and I learned from them, now it's time to forgive and let GO. It may take a couple more nights of nostalgia and some anxiety in the mix, but eventually all the anger and the blaming will subdue. All there is to do now is reflect on what happened and promise myself that it will not happen again. 

Let it go. Take a deep breath. Reflect. Write it out. Whatever it takes to ease the pain of heart brake I will attempt to try. At least I stopped looking at my phone for the last 20 minutes. It's such a disease, very much like an addiction. Remember lesson number one? Patience. I can close my eyes and try to fall asleep. I can dream about tomorrow and what tomorrow will bring, but I can't seem to let go of the feeling of "what happened to us?" There is always this going back and forth thought that I cannot seem let go, I need to stop asking Why. And then it starts all over again. Another night creeping in; nostalgia winning the battle again. And my phone right there next to me tempting and staring at me. And so I wonder how long does this last? The grieving period after a break up. I'm no expert in this subject, remember I'm only in my 20's and I have given myself permission to fail and stumble. This is the time to screw up 101 different times! Therefore I don't worry too much about this transition in my life, the pain is temporary. I'm discovering my path and the things that are truly important to me. I am designing the life I want and evaluating my goals and values in life. Other than feeling anxiety for the future I also feel very excited that my life is doing a full 360 degree turn. I am happy that I had the strength to say NO to him and to stop completely and once and for all the emotionally abusive relationship that we had. I am proud of myself for putting my foot down and letting him know that he has no longer a place in my heart. 

And for all of us going through this transition, remember to be patient and to always ask yourself How and What- What to do to move forward and How to do it. Stop asking Why, we'll drive ourselves crazy by asking "why is this happening to me?" There is always a reason for everything. We just have to be strong enough to realize when it's time to move forward.